Sunday, January 03, 2016

It Doesn't Matter

I saw such lovely and wonderful hand-made gifts that a lot of people gave to family members as Christmas gifts online and on Instagram and other social media. It got me to thinking this morning about all of the crochet things I've made and have here in my home -- blankets, shawls, dozens of thread doilies, and much more. All of these things will just be thrown in a trash heap some day when I'm gone or carelessly piled into the back of a truck and hauled to a thrift store where they'll be sold to strangers for little to nothing.

I have lots of things that belonged to my grandmother and even great-grandmother around here too -- crocheted blankets and doilies, hand-made quilts, and dishes and cookware that were theirs. These things too will go to the trash.

There are boxes of family photos, both of my children as they were growing up, and older family photos of past generations, and my baby pictures and pictures of my childhood too.

My jewelry. Some of my mother's jewelry. My grandmother's wedding ring set. I even have some rocks that were my grandfather's (he loved hunting for rocks...arrowheads, crystals, and gemstones!), and I have a pocket knife or two that were his. My recipe binders with all my favorite recipes with handwritten notes and dates on them. I would consider those treasures if they were my mother's.

BUT IT'S ALL AS GOOD AS GARBAGE! People will look at these things the way we all do when we go to antique stores or second-hand shops and see other people's old "junk." It's worthless unless someone gets it who has a family attachment to it and places sentimental value on it.

Sometimes I cry when I think how my children couldn't care less about any of it. Never mind the possessions...my body and soul might as well go on that garbage heap as well. They couldn't give two shits about any of it including me. I'm garbage too. They're too short-sighted to see that maybe their children might like to have something of their grandmother's some day. They're too selfish to even think of that.

Finally, I got it! Once and for all, I got it! I know what my worth is to so-called family. They've showed me over and over again, but I just kept hanging on and deluding myself. And I know what the worth of all these "things" in my house is too...NOTHING.

Now I don't have to worry about what will happen to it all and where it will all go. It just doesn't matter anymore. It's really kind of a relief when you finally accept it.

Maybe some lawyer will read my will some day and carry out my wishes. Take my assets, sell all my crap for what you can get for it, and donate the proceeds to an animal shelter. Burn my body to ashes and dump them in the Columbia River or just throw them in the garbage.

Wow. I feel like I'm nuts. But I'm totally serious.

That I let you make me feel this way is all on ME. The fact that you had plenty of opportunities to prove you feel differently and did just the opposite is all on you. Now it's just too late to do anything. I will never make myself available to you so you can hurt me again. Ever.

Yes, I got to all that in my head just from seeing an Instagram post of a blanket someone crocheted for their daughter for Christmas! There was much more, but I deleted it after I typed it out because I decided it was too hateful and mean and specific and I might regret it. I do have a little bit of discretion, but not much. It's fun living in my brain.