Friday, April 10, 2015

Enough Already

One of the things I hate most are those moments that take me by surprise and a flood of emotion comes bursting out of me, tears flowing, chest aching, soul breaking into pieces. I'm usually alone, so I just let it come. Sometimes I make noises as I cry like Janie does sometimes in her sleep, a soulful moan of emotional pain. Sometimes I can't catch my breath. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't. Sometimes I'm not alone and I can't let it just come. I get a lump in my throat. I want to run. My mind panics. I just have to be strong and stuff back down. Think of something else, quick!

A lot of different things can set it off. Today it was a picture of someone's grandson all dressed up in a suit and smiling for the camera, a front tooth missing. I had already gone on to something else when it suddenly came upon me.

Just when I think I have it sufficiently stuffed down far enough that it can't escape, something brings it all back up again. I guess it always will. You can't keep love tucked far enough away. It will always rise to the top. I stuff it back down...stuff, stuff, stuff, and seal it up again with anger, guilt, and hurt. Please, can't it just be enough already?


I'll go take a mild sedative and try to calm down. A shot of whiskey sure would be good right about now. I will manage to gather myself in a few minutes and go about my day as if I'm just like everybody else. But every time I pass a mirror, I'll see the puffy eyes, a reminder of where I let myself go this morning. I'll have a slight headache the rest of the day. I promise myself I won't let it happen again. I straighten my back. My mouth sets in a straight line. My heart becomes cold again. I can go on. Until the next time.

Pammy Sue

31 comments:

  1. Oh Pammy Sue, my heart aches for you. It's never good to stuff those emotions down and I'm glad there are times you can let it out, but I'm so sorry there is a hurt there to begin with. You are loved. By lots of people. Even people like me that you barely know. I hope you can feel my great big hug right now.
    Blessings my sweet friend,
    Betsy

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  2. I'm so sorry that things are the way they are. I actually hope you can work on forgiveness because you will feel better if you do. And remember that you do have lots of friends who care and understand.
    ((hugs)), Teresa :-)

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  3. Oh Pammy Sue, I don't know what your hurt is but pain is universal so to some extent we have all been there. Hugs, Angela

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  4. I'm sorry.
    Sending you hugs and great compassion...

    Sandra

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  5. Love and hugs to you, sweetie.

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  6. Dianne Vittone12:35 PM

    I'm so sorry Pammy Sue. I understand more than you will ever know. love and lightness to you, my dear!!

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  7. Bless your heart. Loss is never over...sigh. Do you watch the LONG ISLAND MEDIUM.? I find her so hopeful. Even if she is a quack, which I don't think she is, she brings such comfort to the grieving.

    Hugs hugs hugs

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  8. I go there too sometimes... that spot... when you least expect it ..comes ripping out of you like a scene from a bad movie...and it stabs...

    We're a club I guess, one of those we didn't ask to join... the old " stuff it in, keep a smile on your face...say everything is fine... become an introvert, talk to your animals, eat more cake then you should and crochet club...
    You make me feel that if I have to be a member, at least I'm in good company...

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  9. Yes, many know of that kind of pain that catches you off guard and share the same feelings. Tomorrow is a better day. We love you and God loves us all.

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  10. Sending you hugs and prayers!

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  11. I'm sorry you're hurting. Any pain that has to do with our children is the worst kind of pain I think.
    Hang in there :)

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  12. I have no idea what you've been through to cause the pain you're feeling, but my heart goes out to you and so do my prayers. And don't feel like you have to stuff your feelings down so deep inside. Let yourself feel whatever it is you're feeling - we're only human.
    Know that you are loved.

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  13. I have only been following your blog a short time so I don't know the back story. Just want you to know that I care...Praying for you.

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  14. I'm so sorry, sweetie :-( I know how pain can come crashing down on you out of nowhere. I'm a card carrying member of the "I'm fine! (when I'm really not)" club. I'm sorry the pain found you again today. If there's anything I can do, call or email me.

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  15. Oh, and lots of hugs your way, too!

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  16. Sending hugs and keeping you in my thoughts.
    Amalia
    xo

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  17. I may be guilty of not reading all of your blogs all the time and don't know the whole story, but now I know why you are so talented with your crochet work it must be the same reason I throw myself into tatting.

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  18. Pammy Sue, I'm concerned that you are using anger, guilt and hurt to try to seal love away....I hope you will choose to forgive yourself and others for whatever is so deeply upsetting you and let love in to work toward reconciliation. I'm asking God to bless you and
    yours. xx

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  19. Thinking of you, and wishing I could 'hug and pat' as I do to my friends that are in pain with their children.
    I hope that time will mend your broken heart and resolve the issues. Can you write and express the same words in a letter? Even if it is rejected, you have made the first move, and that is important.
    Bless you my dear.
    Susan x

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  20. Big hugs Pam. xoxox

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  21. My dear Pammy Sue I hope that by now you are feeling better and that ou know letting these feelings out actually helps you heal whatever is bothering you my dear. Fell better soon.

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  22. I could feel the first bubblings of that ache when I read your comment about Alex. I know just how that volcano of emotion can seethe under the surface... and almost drop us to our knees when it breaks free... until we can manage to plunge ourselves back into the ice... the safety and the isolation of ice... Some days I want free of the ice... Other days I am sure it's better this way. What I am sure of most is that it's really not the way I would choose. I hurt for you, Pammy Sue. I hope whatever the situation is with your boys... somehow there will be healing and peace and love again... blessings and hugs ~ tanna

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  23. Bless you Pammy Sue my heart goes out to you. :) xxx

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  24. Thanks for sharing those gut level feelings with us. I"m sending hugs and prayers for healing. I don't know the whole story, but that's not necessary for miracles to happen. Hang in there.

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  25. Hurt goes deep...and it's oh so hard to ever stuff it without coming apart at the seams. It pushes and pushes from within until it explodes out of you. Sending you a hug from me. What an honest, real post to which so many can relate.

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  26. Anonymous5:29 PM

    Hi Pammy Sue...have never commented on any site before but you touched me so deeply that I just wanted to tell you that I know, I just know. thank you for sharing the depth of your pain. I don't feel so alone in a mothers pain for her children. I check out your blog every day for months. found it by accident but so very happy I did. you are so very real and down to earth. so rare.thanks

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  27. Sending you hugs all the way from N.Z. Shirley

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  28. Oh Pammy Sue, life sure ain't easy is it? I am sending you a big ug to wrap you up in friend love.
    Meredith

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  29. Oh my dear friend. I am seeing this way after the fact. And I am so sorry for that. Oh how I wish I could help you through the pain.
    Know that I am always here for you. Always will be.
    XO Kris

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  30. Pammy Sue you are loved by many don't forget that. Since I become bed ridden I know some of the depression can be for me. You have to let it go and try something else to take your mind what is bothering you. I love your blog you tell your heart wrenching good times as your worst. You give me hope and laughter in my life. I have always thought of you my special friend as very special. If i lived closer I make us a cup tea and give you a big hug and shoulder if needed to cry on. Sending lots love and hugs and prayers too just for you.

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