Tuesday, December 09, 2014

It's a Saga Post!

So I had a little outburst earlier, eh? I stand by every word! Y'all know I don't talk that way very often, but occasionally I do let some f-bombs fly around here and let my temper get the best of me. I'm not apologizing for it at all, but I do recognize that it was said in anger, and I try not to post when I'm angry. It just doesn't work sometimes! You all know it isn't just because of the silly pattern thing, right? No? Well...

I come by it honestly. (That seems to be one of my favorite things to say lately.) I get it from my mother. I'm just like her in that regard. I have a mouth like a sailor and I'm not afraid to use it. We girls (I have two older sisters; no brothers) grew up with the anger and the yelling and the cussing and terrible name-calling by my mother. She'd have a look of serious disgust on her face as she yelled and screamed about inconsequential things. Maybe we didn't do the dishes to her liking, or we slept too late, or we chewed our gum the wrong way in church.  In the case of not cleaning the kitchen to her liking, we were "lazy and half-assed everything." In the case of the gum-chewing, "I was watching you and you were chewing like and old cow chewing her cud." And it wasn't said to be funny. She was serious and completely disgusted. You'd swear she hated you in those moments. And the cuss words were her specialty. It was a regular thing around our house with her. She was always angry.

My father was not a screamer, a talker, or a cusser. He'd just beat the holy shit out of us, usually for something that didn't even involve him. It would be something my mother told him we did while he was at work, usually snapping back at her when we got tired of her screaming and demeaning and hurtful words. Or it would be that we dared to show emotion. Emotions were not allowed at our house, at least not for us girls. We couldn't show anger, or frustration, or even happiness at times. I can't tell you how many times we got repeatedly slapped in the head for giggling too much. We couldn't laugh at the dinner table without annoying one of my parents.

I remember one time my sister and I were in my sister's bedroom with the door closed playing. I was 10 years old and my sister was 14. This was the last time I remember my mother physically punishing me. She kept coming in the room and tell us to quit making noise and laughing. We were playing with a tape recorder and making silly recordings of ourselves giving the weather report like on the TV or the radio. We couldn't control ourselves from laughing. It's not like we were screaming or squealing or anything like that...just two little girls giggling and playing.

She finally burst into the room and starting swinging one of my dad's Air Force uniform belts wildly while she screamed at us for making too much noise. As she was hitting me, one end of the belt came loose from her grip and the belt buckle hit me on my bare thigh. She just kept on swinging. I had a big, bleeding, open gash on my leg along with the bruises left from her beating. That was the last time she "spanked" me -- that's what they called it -- and I use that term loosely. Make no mistake...they were beatings.

Neither of my parents EVER apologized for anything they did or said. It was all in the name of punishing us and giving us discipline. "Spare the rod and spoil the child" was an often quoted scripture. Yes, they were at church every time the doors opened professing to be Christians with their perfect little family.

I remember telling my daddy that we all feared him, and I told him this more than once. His response was always the same. "It's not fear. Its respect!." How wrong he was!  It WAS fear.  Fear of physical and verbal abuse.

My oldest sister, and the one who suffered most at the hands of my parents because she had a very strong personality and was unwilling to accept their treatment, left home at 17 years old before graduating from high school. She ended up graduating, she said because she knew my mom and dad didn't think she would do it and she wanted to prove them wrong. My oldest sister is 6 years older than me, so I never really knew her growing up. Mostly all I remember is her fights with my mother and the beatings she would endure once my father got home. I was 11 when she left home for the last time.

My other sister, who was the one I feel suffered the least at the hands of our parents (except for my mom's verbal abuse), also left home very soon after graduating at 18 years old. She married a guy she knew she didn't love and, within a few months, moved to Italy. (Her husband was in the Air Force.)

That left me at home as the only child beginning at 14 years of age. I was 15 or 16 years old the last time my daddy beat me with a belt. I pissed in my pants while he swung the belt. He beat me because I got mad because my mother told me I couldn't go to my girlfriend's house "just because she said so." I went into my room and slammed something down on a table and my father heard it. He burst into the room and started swinging that belt. I always thought he enjoyed it a little too much. I always felt he got something out of it...some kind of pleasure or feeling of control or dominance or something. He claims he was severely abused as a child by his father, and I don't doubt that, but you'd think he wouldn't want to duplicate that behavior with his own children, but he did. We never did anything serious enough to justify a beating like he doled out. What could be THAT bad? Maybe hurting a child or stealing from an old woman or getting arrested for something? That was never the case. It was always for "talking back" or not minding or leaving the house without permission -- nothing that warranted the beatings and shaming we received.

I also remember that after a lot of the beatings, my mother would come into my bedroom after a few hours with a glass of water and some aspirin for me to take to help with the pain. She'd act all remorseful, but she'd never outright say anything. Just the act of trying to help after the fact made her feel better, I guess. I have no idea. I always thought that was weird...so she did have some kind of conscience and realization that it was wrong.

Weirdly, except for a few years after my oldest sister left home, we all still loved our parents and wanted their approval. We still do. Me and my other sister that had children (two boys each) did not ever even consider keeping our children away from them because we knew they would never hurt our children. Being a grandparent is MUCH different than being a parent.

All of this is to say when my son told me he "was not comfortable with me keeping his daughter because of the way he was brought up," AFTER she was born and they had accepted gifts and money from me the entire time his girlfriend was pregnant knowing full well what he was going to do to me, I was totally floored. Neither of my boys had ever once mentioned anything about their childhood to me, NEVER.  I had never treated either of my children as I had been treated as a child. Yes, I cussed and yelled sometimes, like nearly every parent, but it wasn't over the top or anywhere close to being abusive.  And they NEVER received beatings. They were swatted on the behind with our hand or a hairbrush, but that was it. The time I used the hairbrush was when my son took a rock and scratched all over the side of my brand-new Camaro in the driveway. I think I swatted him twice and the handle broke off the cheap-o hairbrush I had used, you know, one of those paddle-type brushes.

I believe that most of my sons' problems with me is because I left their father AND THEM when they were 6 and 8 years old. I had begun drinking after I told my husband I wanted a divorce almost two years earlier. He begged me to stay, so I did. Nothing changed except that we rarely saw each other because we worked opposite shifts, he during the day and me at night. I was aware that he had girlfriend(s). It was brought to my attention by my sons that after I would leave for work at night, my husband would take the boys and go meet his girlfriend at a park or an apartment or wherever. Can you imagine being told that by your four-year-old? Also, a lifeguard at the pool I'd always take them to asked me if I was the boys' mother because their father was always there with another woman. I'd come home from work early and find a woman in my house, and I'd show up at his softballs games only to find one of his girlfriends there. It goes on and on. We both lived separate lives and had relationships outside of our marriage during those last two years. It was no way to live and certainly no environment in which to raise two children.

I left with only a suitcase of clothes and my car on December 23, 1988. I filed for divorce and had joint custody with him as managing conservator at my request. In essence, I left my husband AND my children. I felt it was the best decision FOR THEM at the time. It was the most painful experience in my life the night I left my children and told them goodbye. My heart felt as if it were ripped from my body. My alcohol consumption gradually got worse and worse. I was a high-functioning alcoholic. I was a police offer working the night shift with no possibility of getting a day shift.  (I never drank before or during work in case you're wondering!) I didn't feel I could properly take care of my children during the day and get enough sleep to do my job safely, get them to school and everything else that goes along with raising two kids, and also be gone to my job at night. I had my kids every other weekend when I was able and also on certain holidays. Working at night 5 days a week and having Thursday and Friday nights off did not allow me much time with them, especially when they were in school during the week days. There were also times that I cancelled my weekend with them altogether because I needed the sleep or I was sick or, honestly, I just wanted to drink and not feel anything.

I eventually quit my job and moved to Boise, Idaho, basically trying to run away from my problems and guilt over my children. This was the worst time as far as the alcoholism. I drank heavily when I was off work, but I still was able to work at my job at the Sheriff's Office as a police and fire dispatcher. You had to work two years in that position or in the jail before you could become an officer there. That lasted six months, and I wanted to come home. (During that six months, I had flown my children out to visit for a week.)

Once I got back "home" to Texas, I immediately moved in with The Captain, who I had previously dated. He was so good to take me in after I had dropped him and married someone else and moved away! I had nowhere else to go, no job, and no money. My drinking was completely out of control. I made a couple of suicide attempts with prescription medicine and alcohol. I was a mess. The Captain saved my life more than once and stood by me while I got myself straightened out, which took about two years total -- relapsing and getting sober, relapsing again, getting sober again, etc.

With my husband's support and by the Grace of God, I was finally clean. I lost all taste and desire for alcohol, which remains still today. I drink alcohol maybe once or twice a year now, and then it's not but one or two drinks or beers max, no problem. I probably shouldn't even do that if I stuck strictly to the rules of being sober, but I do.

Anyway, my children have taken it upon themselves to be judge, jury, and punishers with me by not allowing me to have my grandchildren (now two little girls) or have any kind of relationship with them. My son with the two girls has told many lies about me to his baby-momma and her family (why you would even need to make it sound worse, I have no idea). We had a good relationship, the best it had ever been, in the couple of years leading up to his relationship with this girl and during her pregnancy, and then BAM! He lays all this shit on me and blames his bad behavior (a family violence arrest and God knows what else) on ME. Everything is my fault. I cannot be trusted with a child. He has embarrassed and shamed me and outright lied about me. I know this because I spoke to his girlfriend's mother on the phone and she told me things he had said about me. On top of all that, he used me for what he could get knowing all along that he was going to pull this shit on me after his child was born.

I take full responsibility for not being the parent I should have been and not being there for my sons when they were children. I have apologized more than a few times. I have tried to talk to both of them about it all, but I never get the truth about how they feel from their own mouths.

I don't know what else I can do but live my life well, as I have for the past 20 years. TWENTY YEARS, but I still must be judged and pay for my mistakes when I was 24 years old? I have lived with the guilt and the regrets for long enough. I refuse to live that way any longer. It's not up to my sons to punish me. God will deal with me when the time comes about all that.

On top of all that, I have now become estranged from my entire immediately family over this. After explaining how my sons have behaved and knowing what they are doing to me, my sisters and parents say they support me, but they continue to have relationships with my sons and granddaughters against my wishes. My mother and father invite them over for dinners and have relationships with MY granddaughters while I do not. How am I supposed to react to that? What message is that sending my boys? At best, it's tacitly saying that what they are doing to me is okay. They will stand by and let my children treat me like total shit as if nothing has happened.

My parents are old. My mother is 79, and my father is 81. When I ask my mother why they refuse to stand behind me, my mother says they are too old and they don't want to live what little time they have left without seeing their grandsons and great-granddaughters. What about me, their daughter?

The last time I talked to my sister that lives here on the phone, she made it a point to tell me that she "talks to my kids all the time." What am I supposed to say to that when it's exactly the opposite of what I want?

The last time I communicated with my other sister was via email, and she proceeded to tell me how my family thinks I'm mentally ill and need professional help!  OH MY GOD.  Seriously?  And she said it was wrong of me to ask them not to have relationships with my sons just because we had "a disagreement."  OH MY GOD AGAIN!  A disagreement?  Really?  She says my reaction is not normal.  What is a "normal" reaction when your son tells you that you are not trusted with your own grandchildren?

What do I expect from my family?  I'll tell you EXACTLY what.  This is what I expected they would say to my sons, or something along these lines:

"You're my grandsons and I love you with all my heart, but I will never love anybody more than I love my very own daughter. My loyalty lies with her. It always has and it always will. I hope the two of you work out your differences soon. Until that happens you and I won't be able to have as close a relationship as I'd like us to have."

Is that wrong of me? Would you not expect your parents to stand with you and support you in this way?

Sometimes I feel like I can't take all of this emotional torment one more day, one more hour, or one more minute! It's too much!  And besides, it's too late.  If my family didn't have the response I wanted and didn't even consider it, what is left?  It says a lot about how they feel....no, it says it all.

This is my opinion, my life as I saw it, and absolutely the truth. There are plenty of details and events that have yet to be told, but it just wasn't feasible to put every detail here. I have tried to be fair and tell you the truth about my own transgressions, faults, flaws, or whatever you want to call them. I realize there may be people who saw these events in a different way from a different perspective. I've just told them as I remember them and as they affected me.

I would like to add that my parents provided very well for us girls. We didn't want for anything materially, and there were moments when my parents were loving and normal people. I know there are much worse stories and experiences people have had growing up. I'm not whining. I'm simply stating what portions of my life were like...MY experience.

I'm all talked out. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about comments or advice or opinions or anything else in regard to this post. I will publish your comments and read them all, but please don't expect a response from me. I'm not even sure how I'm going to feel about putting all this "out there" when I wake up tomorrow. But here it is, and I will not remove it.

35 comments:

  1. Pammy Sue, you know I love you! A lot of this you have already shared with me. I did not, however know that your parents abused you. I am so sorry. No one deserves to be treated like this. It is never okay. God Bless Cap!!!! I knew I liked him a long time ago. He has been wonderful to and for you. I hope you will find someone you trust to talk to. This is too much for you to try to handle alone.
    I wish I could come to Texas and wrap you in a big hug.
    I am here for you my friend.
    Love Kris

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  2. I don't normally comment but after your out pouring I felt I should. I am sorry you were abused so horrifically as a child. I asked my mum why she never stopped my dad from hitting me and was told because she didn't know what he'd do if she did. I think she was scared he would hit her.
    Read your family issues now I must admit I don't agree with telling other family members not to see members of your family. Everyone has their own relationship with someone.
    Your children are hurt. They are lashing out because you weren't there for them. They also know your worst when you were drinking. It's hard for them to forgive that.
    I think the best thing would to try and make every interaction with them to be a positive one. The more you lash out the worse it will get. It's very difficult but they need to see the person you now are. The more positives they see the more it will overtake the negatives of the past. I hope you don't mind me being honest.

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  3. Hello Pammy Sue, it is not easy to write a comment to a post like this, especially because English is not my native language.
    I am so sorry to hear your life story, there is just too much pain and guilt you have to cope with. I send all my best wishes to you and your family. I don't know if you want to get any advice and maybe I am the least person who should give it to you because I don't know you at all. But I have experienced an existential crisis in my life, as well and I wouldn't have gotten over it without professional help. Do you have a possibility to talk with someone about it? Here in Germany there are voluntarily working counseling centers that help you with family related problems. It was a big relieve for me to talk everything over with someone who asked the right questions and helped me to find a new way to cope with my problems. All I can say is that love and forgiveness is the most important thing. Maybe you could start with your sons. Maybe you could write them a letter for Christmas, telling them all the things you have told us here. Try to be loving and full od understanding. Sometimes things just need their time. I think that it doesn't help if you are angry with your family that they keep contact with your sons, instead ask them to help you to improve your relationship with your sons. I hope I didn't get on the wrong side of you with my lines. I know how difficult human relationships can be. And at last I want to pay you a compiment: I know how very difficult it is to regain one's feet when life has pulled the rug from under you. Be proud of yourself, you've done a great job, really! I wish you a wonderful Christmas time, enjoy the small things in life, for example your hanging Christmas tree, it's so beautiful! Viola

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  4. You don't know me, I know. I mentioned in my only other comment here that I read you all the time. Also, I clearly understand what you have said about not responding or accepting (or not) advice. I'm so sorry for everything you have went through. You didn't deserve any of it. The fact that you have own your "transgressions" is everything. There is nothing left for you to do but wait for your sons to mature to a point to understand what they have been demanding and expecting from you. I know so much about my parents not supporting me. It is a horrible feelings. I am going to leave a link about scapegoating. Once I was able to put a name to what/how my family has treated me, it has helped a lot. Perhaps, you were the scapegoat too. http://www.glynissherwood.com/blog/12-steps-to-breaking-free-from-being-the-family-scapegoat

    Know that you are not alone.

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  5. What a sad story. I knew there was a problem with your sons so thanks for explaining it all. All that I can say is that I am sorry. I am amazed that you still have love and affection for your parents and still have a relationship with them at all. Families are strange things. I'm so glad that you have at last found happiness with your Captain. He sounds like a good man.

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  6. I think we grew up in the same household Pammy Sue. Although mine was with an evil alcoholic step-father and a mother who supported him over her five children. Dysfunction to the max. Violence,(I know all about the belt) anger, fear, neglect and more. We were never called by our names as children. We were always addressed as, you god-damn kids. It sickens me to remember that we were treated this way. Thank goodness for my grandparents. Me, being the oldest of five, received the brunt of everything. My grandparents took me in off and on in my childhood and gave me a safe and loving home. I have never had respect for my mother. Dare I say, nor love. I just tolerated her and went through the motions, so to speak.
    Lucky for me, I was able to not carry any of that horrid crap into my adulthood. When I had my daughter I gave her the childhood that I had always wanted and deserved. I feel for you in your situation with your children. Not being able to see your grand children is the ultimate punishment. As hard as it is for you, I think you have to back away and just love them and give them time and space. Time is a great healer. Situations change. People grow. I think we take our anger and hurt out on the ones we love the most. It's because we know that it's an unconditional love and it will always be there when the anger and hurt has faded. I'm glad you shared this post with us. I really admire and respect you for being real and brave! I'm sure a lot of people can relate to some part of this post, as I did.
    You are not the choices you’ve made. You are not the child you once were. You are not your failures. You are not the setbacks of yesterday.
    You are not the bad things that have happened to you.
    You are not your past. It's just merely the place where you started!
    Your Friend,
    penny x

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  7. Anonymous4:35 AM

    This is heartwrenchingly sad, my thoughts are with you. Your feelings about your families disloyalty are entirely reasonable. You're already on the right path - living your life well.

    Best regards Gill

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  8. Oh Pammy Sue...I almost never comment on blogs, but my heart is breaking over what you've gone through. Part of me wants to come down there and slap the crap out of your boys for being so selfish and nasty, part of me wants to slap your ex for allowing these opinions of you (even if he didn't alter their memories of when they were little, he obviously doesn't correct them), and the rest of me wants to bring you something chocolate and fattening with iced coffee to wash it down. Hopefully one day they will realize that they're hurting those babies just as much as you - especially when they grow up and find out what a hilarious loving grandma they were deprived of because of their fathers' screwed up perceptions.

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  9. Families.
    Your story and mine are so very very similar. Maybe that is why I like your blog so much and reading what you post.

    Anyways, big big hugs from another survivor Pammy Sue.
    So glad you have the captain.

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  10. Oh Sweetie my heart cries for you. I have a similar story and have been in counselling off and on for close to 30 years--and it helps. One therapist dropped a bit of wisdom in my lap that I'm going to share with you. Sometimes it's not the clients/patients needing counselling/therapy it's the family. The client knows there is a problem, the family does not. I'm at the stage where none of my 2.5 siblings talk to me. My stepmother was the abusive one and my father had and still has his head in a cloud. You're not alone. We may get no choice in family but thank you Lord for allowing us to chose friends. Virtual hugs for you.

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  11. I feel for you but it seems like you probably need some help, maybe therapy. I'm not blaming you but it won't get any better unless you really talk with someone that has no connection with your family. I know the feeling when your own child "disowns" you. My son did the same to me but we have worked out our problems. I hope everything works out for you.

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  12. Oh, sweetie, I knew you'd been through some stuff (there's a better word for that of course), but I had no idea how much. I have a lot of demons in my closet similar to yours. I can't give you any advice because I don't know any. Just know I love you and am here for you anytime.

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  13. I understand dysfunction..no matter the circumstances, experiences, facts. We briefly touched upon it one time.
    You are honest and not unrealistic and though it does not help..because I know first hand...they are all affected by the dysfunction and therefore do not know the proper order of things in life, in family, in relationship.
    We simply move on, beyond the judgment, the unknowing, the seemingly uncaring of our family. We live good honest lives, facing the facts about us and them always. The day begins and with it so do we. You are healing, embrace it. You are imperfect, you are human. You are a child of God...all of us here love you Pammy Sue.
    Hugs, Sandra

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  14. I'm sorry, Pammy Sue. I can relate to several aspects of your story. I hope things will work out with your sons and their children, I think those are the most important relationships in your life. Take care.

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  15. Oh Pamelina - We have talked before about some of this stuff. You have the right to feel anyway you want because you are the one who experienced it. Having feelings and feeling deeply about anything doesn't make you mentally ill, so don't fret over others remarks or feelings about your mental health. Our perspective is our reality no matter how the others in our family see it. You know who you are and how you got here and have owned your past choices. So many people never get to that point in their life.
    Part of your families reaction is because you put your side out there for your family to hear and now they have to deal with the truth of it and their own perspective to which they are likely in denial about. Your sisters can't think that what you endured as children was okay. I think there are more of us out there that endured similar "discipline" because it was acceptable back then. I know we were "spanked" with belts, fly swatters, slippers, bare hands on naked skin, etc and we never knew or thought of it as "abuse". At least in my house it wasn't. So you just let it out and purge the negative because it is cleansing and your soul apparently needs it right now.

    I'm sorry that your family is making you feel this way and I hope (like I do for myself) it will eventually work itself to a point where you can salvage some kind of a relationship with your boys and your family can at least can appreciate that you have a right to your perspective on the whole situation.

    Love you.

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  16. One more thing that I forgot...Kyle's mom is a stupid bitch. AND....she has stupid hair. ;-)

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  17. Bless you Pammy Sue, I'm so sorry you have had so much to deal with in your life, my childhood wasn't a happy one either but compared to yours it was idyllic I wish I could come by and give you a big hug right now. :) xxx

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  18. I, as well, am going through the EXACT same thing with one of my two sons. I have been blackmailed, etc. etc...to the point if I go against any of his dad's wishes...I will NEVER be able to see my 3 grand-daughters...It will come to this when his dad retires in less than a year...But, it is now in his field, as when my Mother passed away this past July, he made NO attempt to contact me..or his Grand-father...I am DONE with him. It came to the point when I was calling the family together before her death, that his wife told me I was getting "shitty"....No further comment....you understand, I know you do. Keep your head held high...we all make mistakes...but I think I have paid MY dues over the last 22 years...I'm sure you have as well.

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  19. Wow...we all have a story to tell. Peace and love to you my friend. How very brave.

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  20. I'm sending a big warm hug to you. You are brave to tell your honest story. I'm so glad that Cap took you in and helped you heal and become the good person you are today. We all can deal with situations like this one of two ways. 1. We can concentrate on the negative things and shut people out of our life. OR 2. Forgive your family and put love first. We all have challenges with family - how we deal with it is what makes us who we are. Please try not to be upset with your family if they choose to have a relationship with your sons and granddaughters. You can also choose to forgive and join in the family times. Life is about choices.. I implore you to choose to forgive and forget past injustices. You will be happier as a result. ((hugs)), Teresa :-)

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  21. Pammy Sue,
    Thank you so much for sharing your story. It reminded me so much of my boyfriend's story that I was moved to tears. My boyfriend grew up in Vegas. His mom left 3 days before Christmas when he was a teen. His dad was into drugs and she had met somebody else online. She left her husband and her 3 teenage boys. They did not have contact for about 15 years. About 7 years ago when he needed to leave Vegas to get himself straightened up, he finally contacted her. They have since mended their relationship, but she still has no contact with the other two boys. Hopefully, one day your boys will mature enough to realize that you did what you thought was best at the time. Until then, unfortunately there isn't much you can do. I will be thinking of you though!

    Melissa

    P.S. How are you looking all those old thread crochet books I sent?

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  22. HUGS...the best thing I can do for you is pray..pray that your sons can let go of the past and start to grab a hold of the future. Such a waste of energy, of life to hang onto crap that cannot be undone. Many blessings to you

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  23. Im sending you big hugs your way!! I can relate to how you were grew up as a child as well.

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  24. I REALLY MEAN THIS BLESSINGS MY DEAR

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  25. Oh my dear Pammy Sue. So many have said such wise words in their comments. My mother was a sweet woman but I think we had very similar fathers, my friend. My heart aches for you and this hurt you endure. I am so happy you have the Captain. He sounds much like my Hubby who has shown me love in the best form. It makes me ill to hear of these types of "church goers". Not all of us are like that, in fact I think few are. God certainly doesn't condone this kind of behavior in the Bible. That one verse is so abused. I care about you Pammy Sue and will be praying for you and all of your family members. I am so glad you're my friend.
    Blessings always,
    Betsy

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  26. Still here Still love you .. Blessings ..
    Hugs Pat..

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  27. You've already heard a lot my story, and I can relate to so much of what you say. Bless your heart. If you ever need to talk privately you, you know my email. I mean that.

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  28. Haven't been around for a while but when I read your post Pammy I just had to tell you I am praying for you.
    I mean praying, not just saying it but really meaning it.
    And you're so right, the grace of God has brought you this far girl....it'll take you all the way.
    Keep posting .....everytime I read your blog my head is lifted right there.....specially the real sassy posts, love that about you xxxxxxxxxxx
    Karen

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  29. Your story if also very similar to my family's story only from the opposite point of the story...my boys, who are not my biological sons, but are mine none-the-less. As the "step" mother who raised the hurting children, I know how much this post took for you to write. If at any time you would like to talk, please feel free to email me. Just know that I believe you are truly on the right path for yourself here and although I don't know you, this Mom, who continues to go through something so similar, every day, truly respects your honesty. Sending you many hugs, peace, thoughts and prayers your way... Butterfly

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  30. I'm sorry that you're having such a terrible experience and missing out on your grandchildren.
    I can say, from the point of view of a stubborn, immature person that the few times I've gotten into arguments with my dad we've come out together on the other side.
    I know that now, as I've gotten older I look back and see the mistakes that I had made and I hope that your son can do the same.
    Being young makes you kind of stupid, an unfortunate reality.

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  31. There's a proverb that says happiness shared is happiness doubled, sorrows shared is sorrows halved. I hope you are feeling much better after opening up like you did. We all go thru trying times at some point in our lives. A winner is one who learns from diversity and you know you are one. Just look at all your beautiful doilies and the lip- smacking food that you come up with!!!!!! ... Not many can do that u know.
    And now for something that I read on
    http://recreateyourlifestory.com

    Let go of the past so you can feel free, happy, and unlimited in the present—and confident about creating the future.
    IF YOU’RE FEELING:
    Angry with people who’ve wronged you...
    Frustrated by opportunities you haven’t received...
    Limited by obstacles that prevent you from making changes...
    Discouraged by failures and setbacks...
    Ashamed of yourself for mistakes you’ve made...
    Disappointed in yourself for making the “wrong” choices...
    Anxious about everything that isn’t working in your life...
    ...then you’re human. We all feel these things at times....

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  32. Oh wow, very deep and personal post. Although I barely know you or have read all of your posts, I certainly enjoy them and your comments. I have friends with similar stories and recently just going though something similar in my family, not not with my parents but cousins. Totally understand your feeling.

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  33. Pammy Sue, I am off the grid for a few days and have missed all of this. You have mentioned the disappointment you feel with your sons several times before and now after hearing the full story it just makes me so sad, sad for you and sad for them. First of all your parents should never, ever have treated you and your sisters like this. No one ever deserves to be beaten, never. And just that alone should be reason enough to get some help to deal with all that. But after everything else with your sons. with the alcohol and your first husbands cheating, well I think you should be talking to someone every single day to get this all clear in your head. Thank God for Capt. he loves you for who you are, and that is priceless. I have no words to make this better, but I think a professional might. Blessing to you my friend, sending you a big hug,
    Meredith

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