Saturday, December 08, 2012

I'm Making that Final Turn

If you can't or don't want to hear "bad" language, don't read this entry. I'm speaking from the heart here, and apparently my heart is full of "bad" words. Hehehe. But seriously, it is. The last thing I need is some sanctimonious asshole ripping on me for my choice of language. There. That sets the tone nicely, don't you think?

I just can't come back to blogging yet. Can't do it. I so wish I could spill my guts with the details out on this page so y'all would know what's happening, but that's just not me. It's also a very loooooong story that involves one of my sons, and I'm not into airing anybody's dirty laundry in public, including my own. I'm not even sure I could sort it all out for you if I wanted to. I'm really a very private person, although I know you can't tell that by just reading here. A lot of things have happened over the years that haven't made it to these pages. The really deep-down shit that hurts like a mother fucker never gets talked about here. (I also try to never say mother fucker, but I just did.  Oh well.) I try to keep it real, but I don't get too personal. You might read hints of a sordid history here and there, but that's it.

And this time of year doesn't help a thing. God, I hate the holidays! Always have, but this year is even a huger pain in the ass under the circumstances. Can't I just go to bed and get up in January?

I've been stripped bare-naked, skinned raw, and ripped to my core by my own flesh and blood. Sounds so fucking dramatic and over the top, no? But that's exactly how it feels, metaphorically speaking. I just wish I could die a lot of the time, but I'm just stubborn enough to not give anybody the satisfaction. Mean people live a long time. Oh and I'm very angry too. Let's not forget angry. I bounce between extreme hostility and anger (Fuck him! How dare he! Go straight to hell! Who do you think you are?!), and weepy, pitiful, uncontrollable sobbing (Wah! Poor me! How could he? God, why? It hurts so bad! Boo-hoo!).

I just have to get over it. It really is that simple. Nothing is going to change. The damage is done. Even if everything that's taken place over this past year was taken back and regret and apologies abounded, it wouldn't matter. I'm just at that point where I need to move on and forget that part of my life. Unfortunately, that part of my life includes my only granddaughter. That's what has made this even more painful. I never had a fair chance at getting to know her anyway. My access to her was very restricted, although no one had the decency to explain to me why for several months. (And the "why" is completely unfounded and just unfathomable to me, another thing that has made this whole thing so damn painful that I just want to curl up and die.)

But I really am very good at that -- just suddenly dropping certain compartments and people in my life and moving on without a glance back, and that's exactly what people need to do sometimes in life. I've done it before, more than once. This time it's taking a little longer to reconcile everything in my mind and heart and make that final turn away, but turn away I shall. Physically it's done. I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up.

Moving on, one foot in front of the other and all that other shit, until you wake up one day and you realize it doesn't hurt as bad as it once did. You've done what you thought you couldn't do. You've made it.

I'll be back when I'm damn good and ready!

P.S.  I hate Facebook, but that's another hate story for another hateful time. 

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