Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Public Therapy Session

I was feeling fat before I stopped at Old Navy yesterday, but now I feel REALLY fat. Probably because I am!

I tried on a whole pile of clothes, but everything looked like crap. If I was feeling particularly nervy today, I'd tell you how much weight I've gained so far this year and how much I weigh. I weight nearly every day and keep a log of it so I know exactly how much it is. But I'm not feeling particularly nervy (is that even a word?) so I'm not going to tell you. Just trust me.

Do you know that I didn't lose one pound after I had the Lap Band taken out and converted to a VSG? Not one. I guess I was starving to death because it was screwed up, and when I could finally eat without choking, I couldn't control myself. I don't eat that much at one sitting because I can't, but I guess I'm eating more often and the wrong things. I guess? No, OBVIOUSLY, Pam. Own it.

Bleh -- I don't want to talk about it anymore.

But I'm going to. Ha. Just one more thing.

I've spent $30,000 to get control of my weight, and I'm still overweight. The only way I could lose it and keep it off was to choke and throw up every time I ate. But that was going to kill me, so I was forced to have it fixed. And as soon as I could eat again, the weight slowly crept back up because I don't have a shred of discipline.

AND I'm reverting right back to my anti-social/social phobia ways of the past when I was just getting better. We're invited to some friends' house for a couples get-together thing and poker, and I just cannot make myself go. I just can't face all those people having gained all this weight since last time they saw me. I just can't do it. I suppose I think they'll all gasp behind my back and talk about how fat I am. I honestly believe that, even though if somebody else was saying it, I'd tell them how dumb that is and that probably nobody will even notice. But they will notice. I mean, even my dad noticed!

I need to get off this subject. It's making my heart hurt. I've gotta go.

Please no comments on this post. This was really just for me. That's one of the great things about having a blog for me. I can get stuff "out there" instead of it stagnating inside me. That supposedly helps, ya know.

I'll be back with something that is hopefully more uplifting later. I don't know how this happened. I didn't mean for it to.

So no comments please. Thanks. Ta-ta.

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