Friday, May 16, 2008

Who Left the Dead Bird in My Mailbox?

a) How did you get into my mailbox in the first place? It's locked.
b) Did you kill the bird?
c) It died horribly -- that much was clear.
d) You're psycho.
e) Do I know you?
f) If I do know you, I don't want to know you.
g) If I don't know you, what did I do to inspire you to put a dead bird in my mailbox?
h) I don't know how to disinfect a mailbox from a dead bird. I'm worried about diseases and have used five different kinds of cleaner but still feel like the bird's still in there still, and like, my bills and my catalogues and my coupons have dead bird on them.
i) It was a hummingbird. I looked it up. This is so f*ing psycho. I can't believe this.
j) Are you the mailman?
k) I'm always nice to the mailman!
l) Barnaby didn't care when I told him what happened.
m) The neighbors didn't care either.
n) Do you have some kind of problem with birds?
o) Don't put anything else in my mailbox.
p) Unless it's an apology.
q) No, I take that back, I don't even want an apology.
r) What am I supposed to do with this bird? It's in bubblewrap in a bag in a shoebox in the freezer right now. Am I supposed to bury it? Where? How? In a construction site where they've jackhammered through the concrete? Where is a person supposed to bury things in this city?
s) I could drop it in gutter, but that seems undignified.
t) I could drop it in the lake, but the lake is so big and it is such a small bird.
u) I could drop it in the toilet, but it would probably get stuck.
v) I hear this whirring around my ears every time I go to the mailbox and I'm pretty sure it's ghost bird, and I'm all "it wasn't me that killed you, bird!" but still the whirring doesn't go away until I get in the house.
w) Am I supposed to eat it - maybe you were trying to feed me - don't you know I'm a vegetarian
x) If this was Mark, I'm gonna beat your ass
y) If this was Gina, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, how many times I gotta say I'm sorry?
z) I could drop it off the roof. Maybe it will reincarnate while falling and I can start reading my mail again.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous9:21 AM

    you had to look up a hummingbird?
    I did not put it in your mailbox..
    Oh my God, it was Hookarm.

    ReplyDelete

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