Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Satan's Eggs & More

You're getting my Thanksgiving entry early because I doubt I'll be around tomorrow to make one.
I made one of my pies (pumpkin) with a homemade crust. It was really easy, and if it turns out flakey like it's supposed to, I'll pass along the recipe sometime after Thanksgiving. Here's my pastry disk before I rolled it out.
And here's the crust after I put it in the pie plate. If anyone says anything about my pie fluting abilities, I will shoot death rays out of my eyes across the Thanksgiving table at you. And let me tell you, nothing says Thanksgiving like death rays. And then I will corner you in the kitchen when you least expect it and karate chop you in the head. But since my mad karate skilz are a little rusty, I'll probably just grab a hammer and bang your nose, and you will be hideous for the rest of your days.
This is not the pie with the crust I made. This is homemade pecan pie filling in a store-bought Mrs. Smith's crust. I put the whole pie inside my pie plate just for this picture. I thought it would look nicer than aluminum.
And because I love you, I'll tell you my secret pecan pie ingredient! There are two, actually. Instead of white corn syrup, use the new Brown Sugar Karo Syrup, and brown the butter in a frying pan before using it in the recipe. Double Yum.
In fact, from here on out, always brown your butter before using it in any recipe. It's fantastic.
Fucking Eggs! (I don't even care if you are offended by that language. This situation warrants the use of the F-Bomb!) I swear upon all that is holy, I will never make deviled eggs again. If anyone asks me, I will pull out my Mighty Sword that I got at the Mighty Sword Store, a division of Johnson & Johnson, and smite you with it.
Also, please raise your right hand and repeat after me: "I do solemnly swear that when someone mentions peeling boiled eggs, I WILL NOT give them my "secret" to boiled eggs that peel perfectly."
None of those stupid methods work, so save your Voo-Doo for curing menstral cramps or something and keep your mouth closed. If it's ever worked for you, it was a fluke. There is no secret method. It's just luck.
I know why they call them deviled eggs now. They are eggs spawned of Satan himself. I will never again be frustrated and panicky because my deviled eggs are ugly. I know this because I am never making them again. And from now on, they are called Satan's Eggs, not deviled eggs. And God said, "It shall be so."
Here are my finished Satan's Eggs. I boiled a second batch and managed to get enough that peeled okay between the two. Then I used my momma's cookie press to fill the eggs. Tomorrow half of them will get a sprinkle of paprika for those who like their Satan's Eggs dressed in red. The rest will remain naked.

This is what my kitchen looks like this very minute. I'll get in there and make it sparkling clean in a little bit. I really don't mind doing dishes at all. I like a clean kitchen.
Anybody want to guess what this is??
Why it's a big wad and a few smaller wads of dog vomit on my office carpet, of course. Miss Phoebe decided to leave her momma a little present. Quite festive for the holidays, don't you think?
Maybe later Sammi will leave me a big pile of shit under the Christmas tree!
Happy Holidays Everyone! Gobble-Gobble!

1 comment:

  1. Geez.... All those glorious pictures of great food and I was getting all hungry and my mouth was watering and .......EEEwwww!
    Then you took the picture of the dog puke! Okay.. I'm back on my diet now. Thank you.


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