Thursday, August 30, 2007

Evil Neighbors

Aug 29, 2007

Hi, Neighbor!

We wanted to let you know that we are going to be installing a floodlight on the side of our house next to yours. Please let us know if this light causes you any problems or is bothersome. It’s a motion sensor light, so it will go on and off at different times when it’s dark outside.

My husband found a kitchen knife on that side of our house lying in the grass about three feet from the corner of our garage the day after he returned from an out-of-town trip. We noticed that you had trimmed the bushes on that side of your house during that time. Do you know if that knife belongs to you? I’m hoping it was innocently left there by a kid or something, but it made both of us a little nervous. That’s why we’re installing a motion light. I have the knife if you want to look at it to see if you recognize it.

Again, let us know if that light bothers y’all and we’ll adjust it.


Scotty & Barnaby McScotterson
9999 VanScottaldson Lane
Phone number: 000-000-000

If your next-door neighbor left a letter on your front door like the one above I left my neighbor yesterday, wouldn't you respond in some manner? Yeah, well, she didn't. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I think that's rude as hell. She might as well flip me the finger. This is the weirdest neighborhood I've ever lived in. Nobody talks to anybody, ever.

I think I'll have that electrician set up that flood light to shine directly into her bedroom window. I bet she talks to me then! Stupid hag.

Her boyfriend is probably the one peeking in my windows and plotting to murder me. He probably found the letter first and threw it away so she wouldn't know! Or maybe SHE'S the one who wants to kill me. Maybe she's a lesbian serial killer and has fallen in love with me from afar after peeking in my windows. If she can't have me, nobody will! Ahhhh!

See how my mind works? Trust nobody -- that's my motto.

So did y'all watch Crazy Sexy Cancer last night? I did. It was okay, but it was a little annoying because of the way it was filmed. They tried to be a little too artsy-fartsy for me. They only succeeded in being annoying as hell. I got used to it after awhile and got into the story. I'd give it a less than mediocre 2 stars out of 5. The story wasn't very substantive, there wasn't much drama, and not a whole lot happened. She didn't even get chemo or go bald or have surgery or anything. I didn't laugh or cry or tear-up at all. That poor girl. Her cancer was boring! Ha. That's funny to me for some reason. I'd be mad if I had boring cancer. If I ever have to have it, it had better be interesting and entertaining, damn it! If it's not, nobody make a 2-hour movie about it, please.

And don't go get all offended and get your panties in a wad if you're reading this and have cancer. "How dare she! That's a terrible thing to say about cancer! May God strike her with horrible giant cancer tumors! Exciting ones!"

That is all.

1 comment:

  1. Maybe you freaked her out but probably she is just to busy being a single mom to respond. I think it's rude too, but people are just too into themselves these days. This is the weirdest most unsocial neighborhood I've ever lived in too! Maybe being Military Brats got us to thinking neighbors should know each other and speak to each other more. I've actually waved and said "hi" to some of my neighbors and they just look at me and walk back into their house! Talk about rude!


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