Friday, September 22, 2006

Landscaper Smackdown

These are exact quotes. I did not change the punctuation in his email. He’s a white guy, clean-cut, good-looking and about 30 years old.

Thursday afternoon at 3:00:

Me: Since we have not heard from you as expected on Tuesday or since then, we are going to get a couple more bids. We’ll call you if we decided to go with your offer. (I was obviously dumping his dumb ass.)

Dumbass Landscaper, heretofore known as DAL: I just got your e-mail and I don’t understand I thought you already agreed on us doing the job. I told you I would call you if I got back on Tuesday, but I didn’t get in until last night. I assumed that when you told me the other day that you want to go with me I assume that you want me to do the job. Please call me and let me know what your plan is on the project.

DAL: Mrs. Barnaby, this is DAL. I just got your email. I don’t understand. I thought you said that I had the job and I already ordered the stone. I didn’t get back in town until last night (Wednesday) and I didn’t have my phone because I was out of town on family business and that’s why I didn’t call you on Tuesday. It was just one day later when I got home. I thought you said you would go with me so I ordered the stone and now, uh, that’s kind of, uh, shady. (Oh no he di-unt just say that) Anyway, uh, call me because I just got your email. 555-5555.

ME: We’d like for you to do the job, but when you say you’re going to do something, you should do it or at least call. You told me you would be back on Tuesday and would call me with a date for the job. It’s now Thursday afternoon and we haven’t heard a word from you. That does not instill confidence. If you still want the job, fine. Call me tonight after 6:00 and we'll talk.

He called at 6:05 and apologized. He’s coming over next Monday with the contract for us to sign. I think I’ll have one of my own for him to sign stating that his contract is null and void if he doesn’t show up when he says he will, doesn’t call, or if the job drags on for weeks, etc. I hate contractors and their bullshit. I have enough of my own. If he doesn’t like my bitchy attitude about it, he can bite me and go back to Hootersville.


My man-hatin' hormones must be raging. We can't help it, guys. These hormones make us cra-zee; crazier than normal, that is. We have exaggerated anger, exaggerated sadness, exaggerated appetites and exaggerated reactions.

I'm not saying the only reason I was mad was because of hormones. I had a legitimate gripe. They just made it worse. Anyway...

The key: Anything of an ass-kissing nature will work almost every time. It's so easy! Ninety-nine percent of the time, if you apologize, tell her she's pretty, or tell her her hair looks nice, or tell her her skin looks pretty, or bring her a present, no matter how small, she'll stop. Again, it's so easy! It works. Even if she knows why you're saying it, it will still make her stop in her tracks and she'll like it. Not every woman will admit this, but it's true. And did I mention? It's EASY!

P.S. I almost forgot to tell you. Chocolate works too! You just have to get her to stop bitchin' long enough to get it down her throat. It's magic! SURGEON GENERAL'S TWO CENTS: Works best in conjunction with ass-kissing.

P.P.S. I revised the Buffalo Chicken Dip recipe in yesterday's entry. I left out one ingredient. I hope nobody tried it yet.

1 comment:

  1. Contractors must be the same everywhere. Either that or your DAL has a brother doing jobs in my city! You are right about how easy it is for a man to calm those hormonal highs and lows, but I must add that it should be a LAW in this country that when every woman reaches the age of 40, her doctor automatically hands her a prescription for Valium.


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