Tuesday, July 04, 2006

The Party & The Freak

Proof of Party

Why I rarely ever go to parties or other social events:

Because I am a social retard. I'm a freak. I'm so uncomfortable and self-conscious it's pathetic. Why do I think that everyone is thinking about me, what I'm wearing, how I'm acting, what I'm eating, what I'm saying, WHATEVER. My reasonable mind tells me that this isn't so and no one thinks about anybody else that much, but that's all I think about the whole time. I just want to grab my purse and run out the front door screaming.

I used to be the social butterfly. At least I thought I was. You see, I used to drink a lot, and I guess that broke down all my defenses and self-absorbed thoughts so I could relax enough to have a good time. Of course I was an idiot and showed my ass on more than one occasion, but at least I could enjoy myself. AND if I did do or say something stupid, I had something to blame it on other than my own social ineptitude -- alcohol. Now I have no excuse other than I'm an emotional cripple and never developed any social skills with which to carry myself through these situations. Oh, I know how to be polite and say all the right things, but I can't relax, I can't stop being self-conscious about every little freakin' thing. Gah! It's easier just to stay home.

So there ya go. I went to a party. Now I don't have to go anywhere for another year or so.

3 comments:

  1. It's good that you at least went to the party... a step in the right direction, I think. Did it ever occur to you that the other people there probably have the same feelings and fears? They do! Maybe or maybe not to the degree you do, but I think everyone has a little bit of a confidence problem from time to time. The thing to remember is that YOU ARE WORTH KNOWING AND PEOPLE ENJOY YOU! Keep saying that to yourself instead of the negative things. I always feel a little bit of what you felt at this party. I think a lot of that fear is from our experiences of having to move so often and start over when we were growing up. I hope you come to all my parties because I know my friends will just love you!

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  2. Anonymous5:51 PM

    I think its weird that none of those people had faces, like right out of that seventies classic, People at the party with no Faces.
    I think it was Morgan Fairchilds film debut? Party girl #4. Whatever, you are good enough and smart enough and dog gonnit, everyone likes you.
    Find someone else to focus on, like little boy, his breath stinks!

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  3. Anonymous5:52 PM

    sorry, boon pappy

    ReplyDelete

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