Tuesday, July 04, 2006
The Party & The Freak
Why I rarely ever go to parties or other social events:
Because I am a social retard. I'm a freak. I'm so uncomfortable and self-conscious it's pathetic. Why do I think that everyone is thinking about me, what I'm wearing, how I'm acting, what I'm eating, what I'm saying, WHATEVER. My reasonable mind tells me that this isn't so and no one thinks about anybody else that much, but that's all I think about the whole time. I just want to grab my purse and run out the front door screaming.
I used to be the social butterfly. At least I thought I was. You see, I used to drink a lot, and I guess that broke down all my defenses and self-absorbed thoughts so I could relax enough to have a good time. Of course I was an idiot and showed my ass on more than one occasion, but at least I could enjoy myself. AND if I did do or say something stupid, I had something to blame it on other than my own social ineptitude -- alcohol. Now I have no excuse other than I'm an emotional cripple and never developed any social skills with which to carry myself through these situations. Oh, I know how to be polite and say all the right things, but I can't relax, I can't stop being self-conscious about every little freakin' thing. Gah! It's easier just to stay home.
So there ya go. I went to a party. Now I don't have to go anywhere for another year or so.